11 Months

It's been 11 months today.

It is unimaginable to me that it has been so long since I heard her breathing. I have been feeling quite numb the past few weeks. We took a trip to the Pacific Northwest and it provided a beautiful escape. It was a chance to see loved ones and take in the beauty of that part of the country. Mountains draw me in and a day spent by the sea was cleansing.

As we arrived back in DC Saturday night I could feel the cloak of grief begin to pull over me. The weight was especially startling. It's always there, but being home make it so much more pronounced. The pressure of my grief grounds me. I find comfort in it.

We are entering into a difficult phase. We are reliving the days of one year ago and we are able to process them in a whole new light of distance and understanding. Birthdays are approaching and the one year anniversary is standing out in the distance waiting to envelop me.

I miss her. I miss everything about her. Her smell is fading from her toys and clothes. Her room has changed and reflects who used to be. I no longer look in my rearview mirror expecting to see her warm smile. Yet I cannot believe she is gone, never to return. The finality of it all doesn't seem real.

She has sent me a few signs though. Blackbirds have started to appear, especially when I am talking to her and thinking of her. They are her little message to her mommy.


Joanne said…
Shannon, my heart breaks reading this. I am so sorry, I feel the weight of this loss growing and wish I could help it to recede, yet understand your words of the grief being a comfort.

Yesterday, while on a hike among the autumn leaves, as they started to rain down in the wind I suddenly thought of Waverly. Mental snapshots of her funeral service played through my mind as I heard scattered words from some of your blog posts. I thought of the calendar and wondered if an anniversary was near. Suddenly, in the woods, I felt the depth of your grief. Hugs, Shannon.
Cheri Bladholm said…
I search for aspen groves now and so does my husband Glen. We are asking God to reveal ways to honor Waverly there and one opportunity to illustrate a book to prepare disabled kids for Kindergarten presented itself yesterday.

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