I Don't Know

I haven't been able to update the blog recently. Partly because we don't have much to say and partly because I am unable to put my feelings into words. However I need to get some thoughts out and this blog serves as my journal.

Oliver has continued to keep us on our toes. Every time we think we have settled onto a new plateau, something shifts and sends us reeling. We have been slowing down as a family, opting for cuddles on the couch and a walk around the neighborhood. We are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of autumnal weather - hoping to spend more time on the front porch, around the fire pit and enjoying the flicker of the fireplace. My word for the upcoming weeks is coziness.

Oliver's hospice nurse visited today after a difficult morning. He is showing some strange symptoms that could be signs of an infection or of his body continuing to decline. We started an antibiotic and we hope to see him bounce back within the next few days.

Anticipating what is to come has been excruciating. Matt and I are in a constant state of anxiously waiting to fall off a cliff. We know it is coming, but there is no way to predict when it will happen. It is exhausting. And painful.

I am out of touch with me emotions. I cannot define my feelings. I haven't cried in weeks. I have been trying to tap into my grief for Waverly and I can't locate it. And that brings feelings of guilt. I keep answering the "how are you" question with an "I don't know".

Thankfully we have been well loved by our friends. Dinners are being delivered. Phone calls and texts keep coming in. Prayers are being said. In the midst of our confusion and ache, we are so grateful to be supported by an amazing group of people willing to join us on this journey.