What Was

Matt was sent to work in Nassau the Bahamas for a few weeks and I was able to join him for his last week. It was a really lovely time away after what was a stressful few weeks. In my experience, any transition magnifies grief. The end of what should have been Oliver's sixth grade year brought a tsunami of emotions. I was transported back three years and relived the pain I felt with Waverly, in addition to Oliver's.

While being in a tropical paradise was a wonderful reprieve, the sunshine and levity of vacation didn't mirror the emotion I was feeling inside. I enjoyed sitting under an umbrella and dipping in the clear waters sipping cocktails, but my mind was elsewhere. Joan Didion wrote about magical thinking and I read her book a few years before the kids were even diagnosed. I reread it last year before Oliver died. It is the belief that one's thoughts or wishes can influence the events around them. This is a very common occurrence in grief. In my mind I knew Oliver was dead, however I believed I could somehow will him back.

The fog seems to be lifting, reality is settling in and I am left reeling from the permanence of death. Small things are prompting tears. I saw a little yellow school bus and I was overwhelmed by the thought that one would never pull up to my home again. I passed my favorite kids clothing store and I will never have a need to shop there again. Small things that brought sadness are now prompting me to face the fact that Waverly & Oliver are actually gone.

I took many beautiful pictures of palm trees and sandy toes, but this sculpture in a garden on Paradise Island is one of my favorite images. It is of a women hugging her son. Not a stretch of the imagination, but it tugged at my heart. Weathered and worn, yet still expressing the same desire to hold onto what was.