October

I haven't written in about a month because I simply don't have a lot to say. We just crossed the ten-month mark and December 5th is rapidly approaching. The season has finally changed and the autumnal weather brings with it memories. The caws of the crows, the sounds of the crunching leaves, and the smell of vanilla birch candles all take me back to this time last year. I remember wanting to create a cozy space for our family because my soul was telling me Oliver's time on earth was quickly coming to its end.

I have found myself forgetting he is dead. Twice I have popped my head into the family room thinking I would see him stretched out on the chaise. And I am calling the dogs "Ollie" or "Chumbley" once again. His absence feels pronounced. I was lulled into a new normal for a short time, never forgetting him, but growing accustomed to my routine without him. It hurts. I hurt.

I met someone new a few weeks ago. In my always awkward way, I dropped the facts of my life. I have two children who died. She is older than me and wanted to know more, I shared. And within a few minutes, she shared that she too had lost a daughter many years ago. I asked for the little girl's name and I could see she hadn't spoken her name in quite a long time. We chatted and I asked questions, knowing that talking about loss does not make it worse. It allows us to remember a beautiful part of who we are. What a gift to share this moment with another grieving mother.

I have spent time speaking with my therapist about Oliver's final days. There was so much trauma and pain associated with his death. It has taken me almost ten months to even speak about my memories of those days. Releasing my avoidance to enter into that pain has been crucial to lessening anxiety. Taking some of the power away from the trauma has allowed me to focus on other less jarring moments of his last moments.

Oliver is missed. Waverly is missed. I miss all that was about our lives together. I miss who I was able to be with them. No buts or howevers. No pretty bow to tie up the story. Just a gaping hole in their absence and an abundance of memories.