There it is

This is the longest break I have taken from my blog since I started it over thirteen years ago. There has always been an update, change, or simply something I wanted to save for posterity's sake. Grief work, a return to graduate school, and a move have all been part of my recent storyline. And then COVID. The world slowed and my life felt like it had stopped. No summer classes to attend, no volunteer opportunities, no summer travel, just simply sitting in my new home wishing we had central air conditioning.

I have struggled to access my emotions this summer. Being in a new home, a space where Waverly and Oliver have never lived has had its negative ramifications. While I love the smaller space, charming backyard, and walkable neighborhood, I am saddened to know that my children never set foot in this house. My memories are intricately tied to my senses. The smell of their rooms, memories of them playing, laughing, and dying in our Fairfax house, all provided me with a touchstone to my feelings. The house itself was a wealth of memories, with Disney cartoons and movies providing the soundtrack.

As we were moving into our new home in March, a friend graciously agreed to make us a quilt of Oliver's clothes. I packed up three gigantic boxes and handed them over, just before the pandemic. Today, she delivered the finished product and I am over the moon excited to wrap myself in memories. The timing was perfect. I had realized last week that I haven't been able to cry much since we moved. Typically this is a routine cathartic experience and I felt blocked. Tonight I unfolded the quilt and removed some of the extra pieces of clothing from the box she returned. Within a few seconds the tears welled up and I found my missing lament.