One of the many reasons I blog is not because I think others are interested in what I have to say, but rather it serves as a record of all we have done and felt. I have written quite openly and honestly over the years. It is a reminder of my own personal growth. I also thoroughly enjoy going back and remembering. Revisiting the past has been painful throughout this journey, but never more so than now.
We have photos all over the house of Waverly & Oliver. Wavey's smile greets me as the background on my phone. When I look back at photos that aren't in my daily routine, the pain can be searing. Wavey's face is farther back on my Instagram and I have to scroll down so far on iPhoto to find her.
Facebook provides the incredible On This Day feature. With one click I can see everything I have posted on this day in my social media history. Photos, status updates, blog posts, all remind me of where we have been. Matt and I have actually had conversations about what the next few months will bring up for us emotionally. The smell of autumn, crispness in the air, certain clothes, back to school - all of these things bring memories of last year to the forefront of our thoughts.
A few days ago after clicking On This Day, the first item that popped up was this blog post. We had been seeing the changes in Waverly for months, but I remember clearly feeling like we were beginning to lose her then. Every bell and alarm in my mom gut was going off. I was trying not to panic or worry, but I could see it.
I am dreading these next months. The one year mark is standing before me like a huge monster ready to crush me. And I know each day I will be reminded of how I was feeling and what I was doing. I will be able to read between the lines and sense the anguish knowing I could not stop death. I could not stop Sanfilippo from stealing my beautiful daughter away from me. And I can not stop it from taking Oliver one day as well.