“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it.
It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve—even in pain—the authentic relationship. Furthermore, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I shared the above quote on December 18th of 2015, exactly one month after Waverly passed away. My hope was in this sentiment. Days were dark and filled with pain, but I was also cognizant of the silent joy filling the crevices. As heartbroken as I was, it was an absolute honor to be Waverly's mom. She filled my life with love and happiness. Walking through her final weeks, as her body failed her, I found beauty. What a privilege it was to be by her side, holding her hand as she passed from this life into the next.
Last night at church on this 4th Sunday of Advent, our priest talked about JOY. And he said something near the end of his sermon that resonated deeply. In fact I had to find him afterwards to get the quote exactly right, because I was unable to jot it down fast enough. David said, "Joy is not the removal of everything that causes you pain. Joy is knowing that there is one who has resolved to be with you in it and superintend for your good."
This has been a theme. From watching "Inside Out" with Waverly in the theater a few years ago and her laughing when one of the characters sacrifices himself for a friend. (I on the other hand was ugly crying at this particular moment.) To Waverly's funeral when my friend, David spoke about the intermingling of sorrow and hope, grief and joy.
I am still processing, still learning new truths. I think by experiencing one of life's horrors, I am fully able to experience the true essence of joy.