Dreams & Doubt
I have often prayed for Waverly and Oliver to visit me in my dreams. I am looking for assurance that my uncertain belief in heaven can find a firmer foundation. I have had dreams when the kids were alive, that they were verbal and mobile - a glimpse of what should be or will be I am unsure. I have had dreams of their younger selves, more memories than what ifs. And I have had hazy dreams of them after they died - the backs of their heads as I pushed a wheelchair or their reflection in a mirror.
This morning I awoke from a dream which highlighted my self-doubt. Did I make a mistake in their care? Could I have prevented the inevitable? How could I have chosen x instead of y? What did I do wrong to have caused their death?
Intellectually I know that Matt and I made the best decisions we could have given the circumstances. We knew the outcome was out of our hands. There is no "beating" Sanfilippo. Eventually it will win. Our goal had always been to maintain their comfort and dignity.
However Oliver's death journey was not peaceful. It wasn't pain free. It was wretched and ugly. There was writhing and suffering. We did our best and advocated for inpatient care, because we simply could not provide him with the final days we so wanted to give him in our home. His final hours were what I had hoped his final weeks and days would be like.
The dream which I awoke from this morning highlighted my fear, my insecurity, my doubt. I questioned all I did and had to talk myself through each decision to get to a point of functionality. I am still carrying the emotional weight of those decisions. I remember that took months to dissipate with Waverly and to be honest it can still creep into my thoughts.
I am thankful I have a partner to call when I feel overwhelmed. Matt answers my tearful cries and rationally talks me through my fears. I am heard and understood.
The dreams will continue. The doubt will remain. It is my prayer the doubt will grow quieter and my dreams will allow me moments of reflection and hope.