Dreams & Doubt

I have often prayed for Waverly and Oliver to visit me in my dreams. I am looking for assurance that my uncertain belief in heaven can find a firmer foundation. I have had dreams when the kids were alive, that they were verbal and mobile - a glimpse of what should be or will be I am unsure. I have had dreams of their younger selves, more memories than what ifs. And I have had hazy dreams of them after they died - the backs of their heads as I pushed a wheelchair or their reflection in a mirror.

This morning I awoke from a dream which highlighted my self-doubt. Did I make a mistake in their care? Could I have prevented the inevitable? How could I have chosen x instead of y? What did I do wrong to have caused their death?

Intellectually I know that Matt and I made the best decisions we could have given the circumstances. We knew the outcome was out of our hands. There is no "beating" Sanfilippo. Eventually it will win. Our goal had always been to maintain their comfort and dignity.

However Oliver's death journey was not peaceful. It wasn't pain free. It was wretched and ugly. There was writhing and suffering. We did our best and advocated for inpatient care, because we simply could not provide him with the final days we so wanted to give him in our home. His final hours were what I had hoped his final weeks and days would be like.

The dream which I awoke from this morning highlighted my fear, my insecurity, my doubt. I questioned all I did and had to talk myself through each decision to get to a point of functionality. I am still carrying the emotional weight of those decisions. I remember that took months to dissipate with Waverly and to be honest it can still creep into my thoughts.

I am thankful I have a partner to call when I feel overwhelmed. Matt answers my tearful cries and rationally talks me through my fears. I am heard and understood.

The dreams will continue. The doubt will remain. It is my prayer the doubt will grow quieter and my dreams will allow me moments of reflection and hope.

Comments

I really just cannot imagine the depth of your grief. Those dreams and memories intertwined must be such a mixture of torture and solace. You took excellent care of your children. Their lives were better because of you. I didn't know about Oliver's journey lacking peace. I'm so sorry for that.
Unknown said…
Doubt and guilt, even when irrational and without evidence still seep in sometimes. Guilt especially for me. I had a dream once Moses was talking again. Now he and Beatrix have grown quiet and I miss the sounds of their voices. I have many videos but looking back is too hard right now. I am glad you have a partner to look to. I cannot imagine traveling this road alone.
Sue said…
My heart breaks for you, no one can even begin to comprehend what you and Matt are going through. You were the absolute best mommy your kids could have ever had, you did everything right and you were such a blessing to your children. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself, stay close to Matt. This horrible gut wrenching grief will lessen in time, it will always be there but not quite as painful. My saying after our son passed was that life goes on and so must I. Waverly and Oliver were given to you for a reason and I'm thinking you will do great things in this world because of your beautiful children. Many prayers being sent your way.

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