A Dream

I have become a napper. Grief and exhaustion go hand in hand. Our minds and bodies are working diligently to come to terms with our new reality. Sleep becomes a necessity. And an escape. 

After a very social morning gathering with friends for perfume making and lunch, I arrived home and immediately changed into comfy clothes. Matt was already well into a movie in our family room. The decibels were much too high for rest, so I went to Oliver's room. His bed is as it was, with additional pillows and stuffed animals gathered from his spaces around our home. I crawled under his covers and in mere moments I fell asleep. 

Hours later...four hours later to be exact...I woke up in his darkened room. Before I even opened my eyes they began to fill with tears. Tears of gratitude and sorrow, love. I dreamt that I was busily attending to a large family gathering. Finally having finished I wandered into a large room filled with extended family. I found my mom and asked where Oliver was. She pointed to a corner and I called his name. All at once this sweet blushed cheeked chumbly toddler came running over. His hair was wispy and his gait was disorganized. I ran towards him, got down on the floor and he fell into my arms for a long cuddle.

I haven't had many dreams of the kids since they died. This is the first clear one I have had of Oliver. Typically I am pushing their wheelchairs and only the backs of their heads are visible. I loved seeing him again, arms extended toddling to his mommy's call.

I miss him so deeply. I miss his ever reaching hand to hold. His feet that were always pushing against my legs while we snuggled on the couch. I miss the soundtrack of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse throughout my day. I miss his insane sneezes as we enter spring allergy season. I miss having a constant companion, my perfect little sidekick.

I miss saying his name and seeing a response. What began as a turn of the head, to a crawl, to an unsteady walk, to a run, back to an unsteady walk and finally to a head turn. And those eyes. His sweet soulful eyes that when they connected with yours were bonding.