Seasons Change

It is back to school season and I have found this time of year to be quite difficult since Waverly's death. It has obviously been compounded with the loss of Oliver. I remember lamenting the differences between their school supply shopping lists compared to their peers. Their lists consisted of diapers, wipes, Clorox, hand soap, tissues. Though there were usually a few fun items - foam boards, glue sticks and dot painters.

As I sat on my couch last night, I became overwhelmed by my grief. There have been no letters and emails of back to school greetings, no school dates on my calendar. I knew that chapter of my life was closed, however the stoppage of what has become a routine for 13 years has officially ended.

I moved to Oliver's room, opened his closet and smelled his clothes still hanging as if ready to be selected for first day of school. His empty backpack hangs on a hook in the closet. I just collapsed onto the floor of his room and wept. Deep swells of emotion rising over and over again. They were cleansing.

Changes of seasons are always difficult to navigate. And as summer comes to a close and my favorite season of autumn arrives, I am anticipating floods of emotions. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. I will spend each morning looking on social media and google photos to see what I was doing with Oliver one year before. It is part of my process and feels right to remember. It allows me to frame my emotions and anchor them to memory.