Great Gifts, Great Gaps

I started graduate school a few weeks ago. Ever since I completed undergrad, I knew I wanted to return to school to further my education. However, it took me decades to decide what I wanted to pursue. As I looked back over my life experiences and thought about my dreams, I realized getting a Masters of Social Work would open doors for me to pursue giving purpose to my pain.

I applied and was accepted as a part-time student. I am starting off slowly with only two classes so I can acclimate to being back in an educational setting again after many years. 

I have certainly had a bumpy start. My first day of class was also the first day back for our local school district. As I commuted downtown, my Instagram and Facebook feeds were filled with back to school photos. I became emotional thinking about what would have been the start of Waverly's sophomore year of high school and Oliver entering seventh grade. 

After 5 hours of class, I was exhausted by the interpersonal heavy lifting I had to do. In both of my classes, we were asked to share our motivation for beginning the program. I decided to just put my story out there and shared that I had lost two children. It was kindly received by classmates and professors, but it required such emotional vulnerability.

I also left the campus that day feeling a sense of guilt. I was only there because my children died, allowing me the time to commit to my education. I left feeling stupid. My cloudy grief-stricken brain was foggy and slow, making it impossible for me to succeed. I left exhausted, not used to that much social contact. I also left knowing that I was given an incredible gift of time to think and learn. What a privilege to be able to study and increase my knowledge!

A very wise friend said that students bring great gifts and great gaps in the classroom. As I sat in class on Monday, I kept repeating that phrase. I have wisdom to share. And I have much to learn from my fellow students and professors.

Waverly and Oliver are my motivation and inspiration. Without them, I am not sure I would have landed in Social Work. I hope to use my experiences to be an advocate for the disability community. I hope to bring attention to palliative care and hospice, highlighting the incredible work they do for the sick and dying. I have a long road ahead of me, but Wavey and Ollie are lighting my way.