Signs

One year ago Oliver gave us quite a scare. He was providing us with clear signs that his body was growing tired. Thankfully we had prepared as best we could. Hospice was already a part of his team and our friends were ready to put some plans into action. Matt left work abruptly, knowing he wasn't going back for a while. Even Watson was aware of the shift within our home, although Matilda was puppy oblivious.

One of the lessons I learned from walking Waverly from birth to death was to spot the signs and respond. We nestled into our home. I had favorite scented candles burning and twinkle lights to create ambiance. Meals were being delivered. People came over to say their goodbyes. 

I obsessively ordered paper towels and toilet paper in bulk, because for some reason it seemed appropriate. Grief, anxiety, and anticipation caused me to do some odd things. 

We took Oliver for a walk on a lovely November afternoon. I have a picture of Waverly in almost the exact same spot weeks before she died. We arranged for friends and our priests to come over in the evening for a final eucharist. It is one of my sweetest memories.

As the days continue to pass, memories and emotions will intensify. The first anniversary was painful with Waverly. I anticipate the same for Oliver. Revisiting the moments and remembering the feelings are natural for me. It is the way I grieve. Friends are filling in pieces and helping me see more clearly in my fog.

For eleven days we waited, watched.