Meet the McNeil Family

Meet the McNeil Family

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

15 Weeks

It's been 15 weeks. I cannot believe I have entered the fourth month without Waverly.

We took a family trip last week to Florida. We were able to take our yearly road trip down south to sunshine and warmth in the midst of winter. Unlike past trips, we ventured to the gulf coast for a few days on the beach. A new destination to create new memories. We rode around in a golf cart, walked in the surf, collected seashells and enjoyed one another's company. We then went to Orlando for a day at Disney. Disney World holds so many memories for our family, we worried an entire week there would be too painful. It was always Wavey's favorite place. Still we enjoyed the day remembering. We have been there so often that each area holds a special reminder - her walking down Main Street in a Snow White dress, driving the cars at the Speedway, giggling maniacally on Big Thunder Railroad. I bought a balloon for her, because she always loved balloons. I cried as I disembarked Dumbo for the final ride of the night, remembering how much I loved riding that particular ride with her.

For a week I was able to distance myself from my grief. Our vacation was not just an opportunity to escape winter, but I was able to escape the full presence of grief. I was excited to return home. I love being in our house and I appreciate our space more than I ever did before. But I was aware that my grief was there waiting for me. And it found me. Like a warm down filled blanket, it has enveloped me. I missed it. It's weight grounds me. I am comfortable here.

Whenever I write of grief, I inevitably get a few messages from people about moving on or choosing to be happy with the now. I appreciate the sentiment and I believe most of it comes from a place of love. However I have found that people are uncomfortable with grief. Actual grief, which is not over in a finite amount of time. We like things to have a defined ending and there is no such thing. Waverly's death changed me. 

And I cannot help but remember that I will have to endure the loss of my son. Oliver is going to die. I cannot fully comprehend my grief, because I am anticipating his eventual death. I have been to hell and I know that I have to go back there again.

8 comments:

lesley said...

So well written. The way you express your thoughts. Grief is not finite. It will go on, it will change over time, heck, it changes you, just as you said. And you will never, ever be the same. It is so very powerful, and yes, to know that you have to do it again…that's a terrible thing to have to anticipate. So glad you were able to get away, alone with your husband and Oliver.

Carrie said...

I think that like anything else, you often don't get a chance to go back. To me, fighting grief or denying it doesn't work. You can not get this time back. Not that you want to be in this spot because it sucks. But it is a time to cry and let yourself do what it needs to grieve and for as long as it takes. Their is no time limit on grief. It changes with time. It is sad and complicated.

Anonymous said...

"Actual grief, which is not over in a finite amount of time. We like things to have a defined ending and there is no such thing."

So true. Praying for you as you walk through each day.

Kris said...

God bless you and your family. There are simply no other words.

Natalie Mumpower said...

thinking about you my friend. my heart still aches for you.

Karlene said...

So sorry for your loss! May God surround you each and everyday! There really are no words

Heidi said...

Sending love and accepting you right where you are at - whatever those feelings may be - at any given moment. Grief happens for a reason. It is a powerful emotion that allows you to smile and think fondly of Wavey at Disney and also to have an ugly cry because you can't fathom life without her. Both are perfectly acceptable because grief isn't a neat and tidy package. It hits when we least expect it, and no matter how hard we try to make it neat, or how much others who really care want us to feel better, it's just going to be messy for as long as it's messy. Sending light to help hold you up and comfort you when it's just too messy....

KW said...

Praying for you and your family. But what to pray for? I pray that you can keep on carrying on because I know there will be no end to the grief in this lifetime. But God has made it finite and it will end....so I pray just for you to be able to bear it so gracefully until then. This separation is not permanent, not eternal. But I don't know how comforting eternity can be in the face of this present grief. I will continue to pray for you.