Wondering

I miss Waverly's voice. I hate that I never really had the opportunity to hear Oliver's. I often wonder what they would say throughout the day. Would they ask for more grapes or tell me they really don't like goldfish? Would Waverly still call me Mommy or would she have transitioned to Mom? Would Oliver ask to go swimming each and every day? Would they tell me that something hurts or they are scared?

 I carry on constant conversations with them. I always ask them questions about their day, answering for them to keep the chat moving along. I tell them that I love them constantly. Over and over again - whilst cuddling on my lap or when putting them to bed. I always want them to know the sounds of mommy telling them they are loved.

This has been a difficult month. I have started getting migraines, I think in part caused by stress. (MRI was fine, so no worries.) Wavey's swallowing has grown a bit worse. We have to really assist her in order to get her to drink from a straw. It takes a lot more time and effort to be sure she is hydrated. I called her GI doctor in order to have another swallow study done, to assess the changes since November. Oliver is doing well. His hands are now constantly in his mouth. His pacifier no longer sustains him as well as it used to. I remember the insatiable urge Waverly had to put everything she could find into her mouth. I can see that same desire developing in him.

Tonight, I simply wish things were different.