Evaluate

I have talked a lot about perspective in my postings.  I have had such a dramatic shift, because of the diagnosis of Waverly & Oliver.  In many ways this new view has been a positive thing.  I am no longer shaken by the small things.  I compare everything to the kids.  I have realized that this is also having a negative impact on me.  My sense of compassion for others is waning.  I want people to step back and realize that all is not as bad as it could be.  That is totally unfair of me.

I am also jealous.  I see the "perfect" lives of those around me and I am sometimes overcome with envy.  I wish I had the healthy kids...the cute stories of new things they are saying...soccer games & t-ball.  I have friends having babies and I am so sad that I can't have that experience.

My friendships are dominated by my story and I feel removed from what is going on in your lives.

This isn't a post looking for answers.  Just wanted to share where I am today.
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Comments

SioMcLucky said…
This is a really beautiful post, it is so honest. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey and yourself through this blog. You make me (and i'm sure many others who read this) realize just how much we have in common, as well as how different our experiences are. Hugs and encouragement are being sent your way Shannon! Thank you again!
October 7, 2008 at 5:06 PM
pknelson said…
Your feelings are so understandable.
If there is anything "normal" in your situation I think your feelings are.
God knows. There are no answers but there certainly are prayers and love being sent your way and on behalf of those two beautiful children of yours.
October 7, 2008 at 7:17 PM
Jen said…
I too really appreciate your honesty.
October 7, 2008 at 11:16 PM
Anonymous said…
I do not know you but I feel your pain-your feelings are so normal -
lost my husband 5 yrs ago suddenly - diff situation but had and still have those feelings of looking at other couples and thinking "do you know what it would be like" - wishing I could spend retirement yrs together and be normal but God has other plans for my life - I will pray for you and your beautiful children every day. My children are 41 and 39 and I cannot imagine life w/o them.
Thanking you for sharing -found your blog through the Hummel family.
October 8, 2008 at 9:27 AM
kristi_temple said…
What we experience shapes who we are and how we act and react to situations. It is totally normal to feel this way. I know it may sound "Christian Cliche" but we don't see the whole grand picture of what God is doing. We do know that He is in control and that He will work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I weep for you because I could never imagine going though even a day in your shoes but I rejoice for you because I know that the Lord is using you (and will continue to use your story) to reach so many. My family and our church family is fervently praying for you and yours. We are standing on the Word and believing for a miracle, for strength, for wisdom and hope. We love you.
October 8, 2008 at 10:12 AM
Christine said…
Because of the enormity of what you are facing, I don't think it's possible to NOT feel jealous of the healthy-children families you encounter. I'm sure it's not all-consuming, but it being there at all is to be expected.

For example, I have a son with ADHD, and when I encounter families without any overly emotional or overly active children, I sometimes feel envy, if we've been going through a rough patch. But God knows what every person struggles with. We could never know that. They might be dealing with past sexual abuse, etc. Some suffering is silent, while some is there for everyone to see.

Regardless, what you have on your plate is harder than what most people deal with in a whole lifetime. I am so sorry, Shannon! I don't have any answers, but I am praying.
October 8, 2008 at 4:21 PM
Mike and Sarah said…
Thank you for sharing how you're feeling. Your burden is so heavy and it has changed your perspective dramatically. I am sad for you too.
October 8, 2008 at 7:05 PM
Mystic Thistle said…
I think it's only natural to feel all of those things. Someone once said to me, "Let yourself feel what you feel." I agree it is such an honest post and you are strong to voice it.
October 8, 2008 at 9:03 PM
Jenae said…
Shannon, you are an amazing girl. You always have been. Even in high school when pressures abounded, you've always stood so strong in Christ. I've always admired you even if I never said it out loud. And now, your honest words really touch me. You make me realize how blessed I am and how much I take my healthy kids for granted. My heart aches for what you must deal with on a daily basis. But your upbeat spirit and rock solid faith are an inspiration to me. I feel like a fool for some of the things I've been griping about this week. God is truly working through you so please know that. I pray that your week is full of good things.
Hugs,
Jenae
October 8, 2008 at 10:12 PM
Jenkins said…
Thank you for being so honest. I completely understand in one way or another because of our Brayden and his handicaps. I hear people talking about how busy they are with activities of their choosing. We are busy trying to make all of doctor appointments, therapies, hospital stays, etc. work and still make life normal for our other children. I am not irritated with those people just a bit envious because we cannot do all of the parties, playdates, etc.
I remember sitting in the Babies R Us parking lot after a long day at Children's Hospital, watching the moms fuss over little things, loading the kids in the car and whatever else. I just wanted to scream. While they fuss over which diaper is best for their little one's bottom. We are deciding which seizure medication will be best without making our baby a zombie and how many seizures a day were acceptable.
The feelings are never directed at any particular person or situation it is a frustration that can show its ugly head on occasion.

I wish you the best, praying that those frustrating moments are covered with many good memory making moments.
Carrie
October 10, 2008 at 12:20 PM
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