Honesty

I have spoken many times about my desire to be honest.  This blog not only serves as a source to keep people updated on our family, but it is also a diary of sorts.  A way for me to look back and remember - good, bad and ugly.  Although having a positive attitude is essential in surviving each day, there are days when life and all of its pain gets to me.  I want to share those moments, too.  They are an important glimpse into this life of mine.  They are real.

I sometimes encounter people who want to point out the positive in everything.  It can be frustrating to feel like I cannot share from the heart, without being *corrected*.  It seems as if sadness is sometimes looked at as a rejection of God's will and His love.  I disagree.

I cannot pretend that I do not get angry - that I don't wonder WHY.  I listen to other people complain and I want to stop them and give them a little perspective.  

Yet at the same time, I know that my story is my experience.  I cannot expect others to use my life as their gauge.  I remember in the pre-diagnosis days, that small things felt so big.  Hindsight is a powerful thing.

There are days when I no longer cry.  My sadness is deep within me.  The tears don't flow as easily as they used to.  My mind wanders to the future - thinks about their funerals, how I will possibly be able to cope with such pain.  It scares me.

This doesn't mean I have given up hope.  That I have succumbed to the devastating disease and written off any chance for my children.

I still hope for a cure.  I hope that it will not come too late.  Waverly & Oliver have had an incredible impact on so many people already in their short lives.  And I am excited to see what else they are going to accomplish.